Pressing Pause

So, I'm not pregnant after our second try.  Which is... ok.  Because when I got antibiotics for the UTI, they weighed me.

O    M    G

My exact face when I saw what the nurse wrote down.

OMGOMGOMGOMG.
I can't even write the number.  I haven't told Hubs other than crying and declaring that I'm fat (he's wonderful and swears i'm not).

My Reactions

I used to keep a weight loss blog and I can't even fathom this - or how it got this bad.  To give a hint, if I had been pregnant, I would have been at risk for gestational diabetes.  As it is, the extra weight might have been affecting my fertility.  So, while it worries me that we didn't get pregnant already, I am kind of relieved that I'm not going to be the HUGE pregnant lady.

The day of the weigh-in, Hubs and I talked and decided that we are putting the baby-making on pause for December.  That will give us time to either get ready to move or decide to stay in our current place, be able to drink during the holidays, and, most importantly, lose weight.  I'm not expecting a 50 lb drop in one month, but I would like to get rid of about 15-20 lbs before we start the process again.

In other news, here are some random things:

• Ryan now has interviews at 7 different programs - Tampa, Miami, Gainesville FL, Seattle, SLC, Minnesota and New Jersey.
• I'm about to get crazy busy coordinating my coworker's wedding - so excited!
• We may have found a new place to live in Orlando (with a pool!)
• From tracking my ovulation we're starting to think I have a lazy ovary.  I've had weird/no readings on the monitor every other month since I started tracking my ovulation.  With the plan to skip December, that would have us trying in January on "wonky ovary" month - if they go back and forth.  So who knows when this will actually happen!

We'll see where this month takes us!

Because of Zygotes

(meant to post this a week ago, oops!)

...So, I think I have a UTI.  From all the "baby making."  I don't (and won't) know if I'm pregnant, my OBGYN hasn't called me back and Dr. Hubs is hesitant to prescribe me anything "because of zygotes" (no kidding, that is a direct quote).

Well, because of zygotes, I'm freaking out about the possibilities of whether I need antibiotics.

Take 2

It's that time again! (I think) I ovulated! I've been getting confusing readings on the fertility monitor.  I've had a "high" reading since last Saturday, but no peak days yet.  Of course, my cursory search of the internet shows plenty of women that had the same thing and got pregnant that month - it might just be missing the hormone.  Or I might not be ovulating... Either way, the last week was lots of fun!

Also, in this edition of Where Will We Be Raising This Baby, Ryan now has 5 interviews for a fellowship position:

Miami

Tampa

New Jersey

Salt Lake City

Rochester, MN

The holidays are coming up, which has all kinds of implications. I have a bachelorette party the Saturday after Thanksgiving that I won't get to drink at, but the bride knows. A few select people know that I'm not drinking, but it's going to be hard to hide from our families. I'm supposed to cook mac and cheese and cookies for Thanksgiving - I can only hope I won't be nauseous. Speaking of the carb-fest that is Thanksgiving, I really, really want to be the cute preggo that doesn't look knocked up from behind, but if I get pregnant now, that is SO not going to happen. I'm trying to watch what I eat and get exercise, but with the holidays and it getting dark before I'm home from work, it's tough. 

Better Luck Next Time

I had a post planned on how two negatives make a positive (maybe) because I've had two negative pregnancy tests but loads of pregnancy symptoms.

But I think I just started my period. 

Since Friday, I've been nauseous, dizzy, tired, have had a heightened sense of smell, and I had some light spotting, which I thought could be implantation bleeding. I thought that I might just be testing too early, but it appears that I'm just not pregnant.


UPDATE: Not pregnant.  Got my period today, and all the symptoms went away.  Searching the Internet revealed that lots of women have the same thing happen to them.  It sounds like fertilization happened, but implantation didn't - which happens to about 40% of fertilized eggs.

Downside: no baby.  Hubs was getting excited, and I hate for him to be disappointed.

Upside: "Heeeeeyyyyyy! We get to have more conception sex!!" - Hubs
And:

Usually on sale at ABC for $7.99!

 

WTF Digital Pregnancy Test?!

So, I've been thinking I'm not pregnant. 10 days into the 2WW and no symptoms other than bitchiness and crying easily. Could very easily be PMS.

Until today, where I've been kinda nauseous in addition. 

The nausea hit me around midday, so I made sure I had a "bladderful" when I left work. My fertility monitor came with pregnancy tests - digital ones - so, I came home and peed on it. Saw the hourglass rotating, put it in a drawer to come back to later. 

Chatted with hubs for a few minutes, then went back to look at the test...

Nothing. Blank screen. No hourglass, just nothing. 

"MOTHERF$@#%*!"

Aaaaand now I have to wait til tomorrow...

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Well, I know for sure the monitor is working!  This past Friday, I got a "high" reading, then Sunday, I got this:

Of course, Ryan was out of town all weekend, but we did manage to get in some "quality time" Friday before he left and Sunday when he got back.

So, now, I'm in what's referred to at the Two Week Wait (or, 2WW or TWW).

It sucks.

Take my anxiety problems, add in the fact that this is something I CANNOT control, multiply times a million.

Can I drink? (Probably shouldn't)  Do I have pregnancy tests? (Yup)  Should I exercise? (Maybe avoid hot yoga - not that I've been in months, thank you FL summer) Was that twinge I just felt implantation? (No)

Am I going nuts?

YES.

Luckily, I got the same reading on the monitor this morning, so I'll be jumping Hubs again when I get home, just to make sure.  Which at least gives me something to do besides wonder.

When I got to work this morning, I Googled "Two Week Wait" and got some helpful links:

• Am I Pregnant? What NOT to Do During the Two Week Wait
• Surviving the 2 Week Wait
• Early Pregnancy Tests: Weeks 1 - 4

Apparently there are whole forums devoted to the TWW!  Nice to know I'm not alone in my anxiety!!

Next update in approximately two weeks!

Updates in Ovulation and Places to Live

So, I didn't ovulate last month.

At least that's what the fertility monitor says.  And, I didn't experience any symptoms that would lead me to think that I did, so boo.  Obviously it's way, WAY too early to freak out over this.  But still.  Not real happy about it.  We were in San Francisco at a conference when the monitor quit asking me to pee on sticks.  I came back to bed and cried while Ryan told me that it was ok, and that the monitor just didn't like me :)

I did find out that I have a 22 day cycle, which is shorter than most.  So I probably ovulate around day 6-10.  If the monitor doesn't have me peeing on sticks by day 6 (in just a few days), I'm jumping hubs no matter what.  He certainly won't mind, and at least I'll know that I tried!


We also have an updated list of possible places to live.  Since applying to 10 places is the same price as the 7 or so that he actually wants to go to (yes, we have to pay to apply, pay to go there, and pay for the exams he'll need to take before. Awesome.), there are 10 possibilities now:

 

 

In order of my preference:

1. Tampa, FL
2. Gainesville, FL
3. Nashville, TN
4. Chicago, IL
5. Miami, FL
6. Rochester, MN
7. Salt Lake City, UT
8. New Brunswick, NJ
9. New York, NY
10. Boston, MA

I don't think Hubs has a clear choice right now - he's just concentrating on where ever will let him in.  I'm sure he'll have his pick; he's a smart one!


Finally, I think I have gotten it through my head that I'm far too overweight to contemplate being pregnant right now.  At least, I know I am so out of shape that I would never survive labor at the moment.  So diet and exercise start right now.  Even though PMS tiredness just about killed me last week, and I did nothing but go home and sleep after work, I'm turning over a new leaf this week. I am eating better (no more excuses!) and the only way I am going to catch up on TV is if I am on my stationary bike.  I want to be a cute preggo, not mistaken for just being fat!

BDing w/ DH for LO who I will EBF... OMGWTFBBQ

Hubs and I have decided to wait a cycle to start trying (This decision based solely on the fact that we are going to San Francisco next week and we want me to be able to go out and drink.  Responsible parenting right there!), so I thought I would write something on the ridiculous abbreviations I keep coming across in books and online that have to do with fertility and conception.

My husband is a gamer - WOW and Starcraft mostly - and he got me into WOW.  One thing most people know about nerdy online gamers is that there's a whole other language being used:

"Can't cast" - "I can't cast a spell and am probably going to die,"
"Sheep him!" - "Turn that bad guy into a sheep, rendering him defenseless"
"Lok'Tar!" - Orc for "victory!"
"pwning n00bs" - Killing players who are low level
"qq more n00b" - (sarcasm) "Go ahead and cry about that some more"
"L2P" -  "Learn to Play" which I've been told a few times :(

...are some that come to mind.

One that I've never quite understood was OMGWTFBBQ - OMG and WTF are self explanatory, but BBQ?  Idk.

When I started reading about conception and fertility, I learned that this world, not unlike the World of Warcraft, has its own language too (from The Leaky Boob and The Impatient Woman's Guide):

AF - Aunt Flo (period)
AP - Attachment Parenting
APNO - all purpose nipple ointment
BBT - Basal Body Temp
BC - Birth Control
BD - Baby Dance (sex)
BF - Breastfeeding
BFP - Big Fat Positive
BFN - Big Fat Negative
BM - breastmilk
CIO - cry it out
CLW -child led weaning
CM - cervical mucus
DD - Dear Daughter
DH - Dear Husband
DOC - date of conception
DS - Dear Son
DTD - Do the deed
EBF - Exclusively Breastfeeding/breastfed
EBM - expressed breastmilk
EGCW - eggwhite cervical mucus (means you're fertile)
FTT - failure to thrive
FT - full term
FX - Fingers Crossed
HCP - health care provider
HPT - home pregnancy test
LC - Lactation Consultant
LO - little one/loved one
MC - miscarriage
MW - midwife
NIP - nursing in public
OB - obstetrician
POAS - pee on a stick
SAHM - Stay At Home Mom
SAHD - Stay At Home Dad
SAHP - Stay At Home Parent
SO - significant other
STTN - Sleep through the night
TTC - trying to conceive
US - ultrasound
2WW - wait time from ovulation to using a pregnancy test

... And that's just a small sample! OMGWTFBBQ!!

Take a look at any message board about fertility, childbirth or parenting and you'll see whole paragraphs that look like:

"DH and I have been TTC, just got EGCW and BBT rose, so BD tonite! FX during 2WW to POAS on HPT and get BFP!!"

Whatever happened to, "I'm ovulating, so tonight's the night to get pregnant!" ????????

Honestly, I would never refer to Hubs as DH (gag!) and if the term BD ever came to mind while we were TTC I'd probably laugh too hard to DTD!  And I don't know why it's so hard to type things like "pregnancy test" or instead of BFP, just saying "I'm knocked up!"

Keep it simple, folks!

Time to Start Peein' on Sticks!

...No, not a pregnancy test (yet).

So after reading The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant (as well as What to Expect Before You're Expecting, which I DO NOT recommend) I quickly decided to skip taking my hoo-ha's temperature or investigating my cervical mucus (side note: I know that there's plenty of gross stuff that goes along with getting pregnant and having a baby, as well as changing diapers etc, so why not eliminate as much ick as possible!?!) and just get a fertility monitor.  The Clearblue Easy monitor, to be exact:

That's a little underwhelming, and my rug in the bathroom looks like crap.  How about this:

Much more appropriate to the level of fancy here!

Basically, if you are trying to get pregnant (or, you might want to know this is you're trying not to get pregnant) you have around 6ish days out of the month of higher odds, with about 3 of them being optimal for getting preggers.  Not that I don't enjoy getting it on with Hubs, but wouldn't you want to know if you were even in the ballpark?  Besides, now he has 3 days of guaranteed sex!!  And, later on, I'll have a much clearer idea of a real due date. (Off-label benefit: I can keep drinking wine until my hormone levels rise!)

So, starting with day 1 of your cycle (the day your period starts, or the day after if it starts in the afternoon), you turn the thing on, tell it you're starting a new cycle, then pee on a stick when it tells you to.  It measures the amounts of estrogen and LH, or Luteinizing hormone, to tell you when you are about to ovulate.  If you're trying to get pregnant, having sex just before and during ovulation increases your chances (the "just before" having more to do with the life cycle of sperm etc.  Read all about it in TIWG).

Today, I didn't even have to pee on a stick - if it's day 1 of your cycle, you're not fertile.

From here on out, I turn on the monitor every morning (before going to the bathroom so my pee has the highest concentration of hormones) and do what it tells me to do, taking note of where the fertility level is (low, high, peak/ovulation).

It's almost baby-making time!!



Acne and Where Will We Be Raising This Child?

The going-off-birth-control saga continues, now with teenage acne!  I've always had "troubled" skin, which turned into sensitive, combination, adult acne skin, but in the last year, I've felt like I've solved it with Obagi Clenziderm.  My skin was looking pretty good at one point!  Then I gave the Nuva Ring the boot and this happened:



SOURCE

Another side effect I was warned about via the Internet, but geez! Is it ever worse than I thought!  My skin hasn't produced this much oil in 15 years!  It's slowly starting to dissipate, the oiliness is getting much better, but I still look pox-marked. :(

Ryan and I are looking for houses here in Orlando - to rent, since right now, we only can count on being here for another 1.5+ more years - and haven't found much yet.  Since he is still rotating in Tampa, the house hunt hasn't gone full force yet.

What is starting to ramp up is Ryan interviewing for fellowship positions.  He's decided to go into Musculoskeletal Oncology (which is what he is rotating though in Tampa right now), so now I get to play the "Where Will We Be Raising This Child? (for at least one year) Game."  The possibilities (in red) and more distant possibilities (in light blue) are below:

 

 



The list (in order of my preference of places to live) includes:

1. Tampa, FL
2. Gainesville, FL
3. Nashville, TN
4. Chicago, IL
5. Miami, FL
6. New York, NY
7. Boston, MA

Other possibilities include Toronto and Rochester, MN, but I don't know how really possible they are.  Luckily fellowship last for only 1 year (for the most part; some programs are 2), and I figure I can tough it out anywhere for a year.  I'd just like to be some place where our family is relatively close if there is a kid involved.


It's getting close to a month of off-birth-control; my iPhone calendar has a reminder to take out my Nuva ring this Thursday.  My next post might have something to do with the fertility monitor!!!

Baby... Crazy...?

Y'ALL.  Getting off birth control is a bitch.  A crazy, redneck, meth-addicted bitch, calling you a "cracker," while she aims her shotgun at you, cigarette dangling between her lips, personal-sized Jack Daniels in her back pocket.

For the last week and a half, this was me. Can't wait to impregnate that, right, fellas?!

So, after going off the Nuva Ring, I certainly noticed some side effects - fatigue, nausea, heightened emotions - enough for me to Google "going off Nuva Ring side effects" and find that many other women were experiencing the same thing.  No prob.  If they can handle it, so can I.  Then last Wednesday happened.

Went to work exhausted, came in a little late because I honestly could not open my eyes.  Every time I hit snooze, I went right back into REM sleep (bad sign).  Got a Redbull on the way to work, which I had cut out in favor of the healthier option of coffee (pulling back to 200 mg or less of caffeine per day).  Felt like I was gonna hurl, but pushed through it to try to work.  Around lunch, I realized that, in addition to feeling kinda nauseous, I was starting to feel some anxiety - like I was going to jump out of my skin.  Ok, I deal with anxiety and depression every day, I can do this.

And this sums up how well that worked...

After taking deep yoga breaths while we were all eating lunch, I finally jerked up my head, slammed down my hands and asked my boss if I could either go home and get meds, or go to the liquor store and get wine, cause I was losing my shit - "Because I'm off birth control!!!" Cat #1 out of the bag (Ryan and I haven't wanted to share the news that we are going to start trying, or TTC for you pregnancy/mommy bloggers out there.  Oops.)  Got permission to run home, took some Temazepam, and chased it with some a (juice) glass of Chardonnay (that I chugged).  -----> I fully know that this is really bad mental health management.

Was in between laughing hysterically and crying hysterically the whole time, got voicemail at my psychiatrist's office and Ryan was in surgery.  So, I called my mom. Cat #2 out of the bag.  Double oops.  To give her credit, she didn't get all super excited, gushy, OMG! on me (which would have made everything worse); she talked me down while I drove back to, then paced around my office.  (She tell me how excited she was when I called her back later to let her know I was ok!)

My shrink called me back, and I told him that I thought he might need to send the nice men in white coats to throw me in a van and take me away.  He laughed, said it was normal, and to take Lorazepam (or, Ativan, which I have a Rx for but don't use - gave me intense dreams/nightmares), as needed to get through the worst of the anxiety, which could last for another couple days (?!?!?!?).

Ryan also called me after seeing my increasingly crazy texts:

...Not that I'm complaining, but this would be justification for calling my mom!

 

He listened to my symptoms, was happy that I called my psych and not so happy that I called my mom ("You are just not good at keeping secrets!").  Luckily, he's always had a good handle on what I need when I'm having a meltdown, and knows that, overall, calling my mom was a good idea.

I don't really remember much about the rest of the day, just that it was mostly a blur and I went home and hid in bed.  For the next 24 hours.  Couldn't do work the next day.  Just. Couldn't.

 

 Everything has gotten much better since, though still feeling the fatigue and the new, fun side effect of sore boobs/nipples - again, thank you, mothers-to-be of the Internet, for easing my worries about my boobs falling off.

 

Apparently, hormones + ongoing mental health issues (that are usually under control) = crazy hormonal spazz. (or see first pic above)



Back to Basics

I think my body just realized it isn't on birth control anymore.  I haven't felt like this since I was 16.  Pinterest (actually some other site, but I found it on Pinterest) feels my pain:

 

 

Also, I wonder if Ryan would be interested in registering for this:

From 21 Inane Baby Products For Questionable Parents

Clearing Roadblocks

Since my last entry, I've been setting up appointments, talking to "advisers" and generally making sure that we can do this whole baby thing.  I'm basically the secretary to a CEO that doesn't exist yet!  Clearing all of these things of my list (the list of things I've worried about) has felt awesome; it's great to find solutions to things I thought were problems.  Roadblocks we've tackled so far:

• Preconception Health:  I've been taking prenatal vitamins for months now, so that was already in place.  After reading The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant, (which I LOVED!  I'll be adding a Books page on the blog to talk about the pregnancy books I've read and liked - or disliked!) I've added things like CoQ10, a calcium supplement, and I have an iron supplement on the way.  Gummy vitamins are the way to go!  Ryan and I have been trying to stay on a Primal/Paleo diet, and I did a little research to make sure it was compatible with pregnancy - looks like it'll be fine, and it will help me lose some more weight before we actually start trying!  I decided not to make an appointment with my OBGYN; Most of my vaccines are up-to-date (I know I've had a TDAP in recent years, thanks to cutting my feet twice!), and I just saw her a few months ago - everything was fine.  They gave me a preconception packet then, and I'm good with everything in it.  Cutting down my caffeine intake has been hard - switching from Redbull to coffee, and drinking less in general - but I'm working on it!
• Preconception Mental Health: Anyone who will eventually read this blog (seeing as I'm keeping it a secret at the moment!) knows I am and have been treated for depression and generalized anxiety.  Luckily, it's easily handled with Zoloft, some type of benzo, and regular talk therapy.  I met with my psychiatrist last week to tell him our eminent plans and discuss what medication I can continue or should continue and what I have to stop.  I think he thought I was going to freak out at either staying on one med or getting off another, but the research I've done lines up with what he advises, which is that staying on Zoloft is fine, but benzos have to go.  There are lots of opinions on this issue, but my doctor and I are in agreement: the health of the mother has to be balanced with the health of the fetus, so staying on the antidepressant is a good idea.  But, anything that can cause addiction has to go, so I'm trying to step down on the anxiety meds.  It's hard.  With Ryan rotating in Tampa, I don't sleep as well, and lack of sleep eventually gives me general anxiety.  We wont be trying to get pregnant until I am completely off of ristoril, so that's incentive, but I can't say that it's easy.  On the talk therapy side, my therapist has been very encouraging and helps me talk about and work through my fears around getting pregnant.  She's fantastic in general, and she has kids, so it's something she really helps me with!
• Financial Status:  I don't want to get into the whole thing on here, but short story is that Ryan and I both have accumulated some credit card debt.  We are on a strict budget now, with shared accounts, and have both been spending around $200 per month out of our personal budgeted money to pay down our cards, but like most people, we weren't getting anywhere.  Last week, we talked with my financial advisor, told him we were going to be trying to have a baby and our money situation.  He basically approved our plan to take a smallish amount of money from the portfolio he manages and get rid of our debt - and to not build it back up!  When I get my AmEx paid off, I'm cancelling it - I have the number memorized and the temptation is too great!  We are currently waiting on the check to clear, and should have that taken care of by next week, allowing us to take any extra and put it in savings.
• Support:  While we haven't wanted to tell anyone that we are about to start trying (I really don't want people immediately thinking I'm pregnant if I don't feel well, or watching my waistline obsessively), I did have to talk to someone about it who knows what I'm going through and will go through.  Luckily my very good friend Caitlin just had a darling little boy, Jackson, and is a great source of information.  Her husband is in a 5 year residency, like Ryan, so they are dealing with a similar financial situation and similar issues - like spending money to interview for fellowships and the possibility of moving in two years, then moving again.  She and I (and Jackson!) Skyped right after Ryan and I decided to go down this path, and she was really, really comforting, and continues to be.  Plus, her kid is so darn cute, he makes the case for having a baby all on his own!

BOOM! There go my ovaries.

Things we still have to tackle:

• House: The house we are living in currently has been great... for me Ryan and 2 cats.  I can't imagine having an infant in it, though; it's tiny and has a bad layout for a nursery.  So we are in the process of looking for a 3+ bedroom house, possibly on the water or with water access, with larger cabinets, a larger bathroom vanity, that will let us have cats, for less than we pay now.  Oh, and close to the hospital.  This is probably impossible.
• General fertility: I have been on birth control for a loooong time.  Since high school (at the time, it was for my skin) until last week.  I know it can take time for everything to start operating normally... but HOW LONG??? Ugh. I hate not knowing this stuff for sure, so the only measure of control I could get was purchasing a fertility monitor.  As of next month I'll already be peeing on stick to monitor my fertile days (then jumping Ryan when I have high LH levels!).

Fun, scary exciting times!!

The text that really started it all

We've been talking about having a baby for a while now.  I certainly have had baby fever.  Then, hubs visited some friends in California who are on their second.  I texted him this:

 

 

He hates bulldogs (which will be so sad for him later when we get one!).  When I sent this text, he was reading our friends' son a book.  Soon after that trip, we went to a family-friendly work party, where he saw me holding one friend's 3-week-old daughter, and another's 9-month-old.

 

The next day we had a conversation:

 

Hubs: "When do you take your birth control out?"

Me: "... CRAP!! oh, wait, it's fine... In week or so, why?"

Hubs: "What would you think about stopping it then?"

Me: "........................... Are we ready for that?"

 

Then there was a big discussion.

That brings me up-to-date with today, during which I have asked for an appointment with my GYN (soon to be OBGYN), booked an appointment with my psych (to discuss which meds I'll be able to continue to take), and scheduled a time to talk to my closest friend that just had a baby (to ask all the nitty-gritty details, like how much money did you have saved up? How did you know you were really ready? Were you working out like a crazy person to get in tip top shape, or just normally healthy?).

We're going to have a baby - soon!