Pressing Pause

So, I'm not pregnant after our second try.  Which is... ok.  Because when I got antibiotics for the UTI, they weighed me.

O    M    G

My exact face when I saw what the nurse wrote down.

OMGOMGOMGOMG.
I can't even write the number.  I haven't told Hubs other than crying and declaring that I'm fat (he's wonderful and swears i'm not).

My Reactions

I used to keep a weight loss blog and I can't even fathom this - or how it got this bad.  To give a hint, if I had been pregnant, I would have been at risk for gestational diabetes.  As it is, the extra weight might have been affecting my fertility.  So, while it worries me that we didn't get pregnant already, I am kind of relieved that I'm not going to be the HUGE pregnant lady.

The day of the weigh-in, Hubs and I talked and decided that we are putting the baby-making on pause for December.  That will give us time to either get ready to move or decide to stay in our current place, be able to drink during the holidays, and, most importantly, lose weight.  I'm not expecting a 50 lb drop in one month, but I would like to get rid of about 15-20 lbs before we start the process again.

In other news, here are some random things:

• Ryan now has interviews at 7 different programs - Tampa, Miami, Gainesville FL, Seattle, SLC, Minnesota and New Jersey.
• I'm about to get crazy busy coordinating my coworker's wedding - so excited!
• We may have found a new place to live in Orlando (with a pool!)
• From tracking my ovulation we're starting to think I have a lazy ovary.  I've had weird/no readings on the monitor every other month since I started tracking my ovulation.  With the plan to skip December, that would have us trying in January on "wonky ovary" month - if they go back and forth.  So who knows when this will actually happen!

We'll see where this month takes us!

Take 2

It's that time again! (I think) I ovulated! I've been getting confusing readings on the fertility monitor.  I've had a "high" reading since last Saturday, but no peak days yet.  Of course, my cursory search of the internet shows plenty of women that had the same thing and got pregnant that month - it might just be missing the hormone.  Or I might not be ovulating... Either way, the last week was lots of fun!

Also, in this edition of Where Will We Be Raising This Baby, Ryan now has 5 interviews for a fellowship position:

Miami

Tampa

New Jersey

Salt Lake City

Rochester, MN

The holidays are coming up, which has all kinds of implications. I have a bachelorette party the Saturday after Thanksgiving that I won't get to drink at, but the bride knows. A few select people know that I'm not drinking, but it's going to be hard to hide from our families. I'm supposed to cook mac and cheese and cookies for Thanksgiving - I can only hope I won't be nauseous. Speaking of the carb-fest that is Thanksgiving, I really, really want to be the cute preggo that doesn't look knocked up from behind, but if I get pregnant now, that is SO not going to happen. I'm trying to watch what I eat and get exercise, but with the holidays and it getting dark before I'm home from work, it's tough. 

Baby... Crazy...?

Y'ALL.  Getting off birth control is a bitch.  A crazy, redneck, meth-addicted bitch, calling you a "cracker," while she aims her shotgun at you, cigarette dangling between her lips, personal-sized Jack Daniels in her back pocket.

For the last week and a half, this was me. Can't wait to impregnate that, right, fellas?!

So, after going off the Nuva Ring, I certainly noticed some side effects - fatigue, nausea, heightened emotions - enough for me to Google "going off Nuva Ring side effects" and find that many other women were experiencing the same thing.  No prob.  If they can handle it, so can I.  Then last Wednesday happened.

Went to work exhausted, came in a little late because I honestly could not open my eyes.  Every time I hit snooze, I went right back into REM sleep (bad sign).  Got a Redbull on the way to work, which I had cut out in favor of the healthier option of coffee (pulling back to 200 mg or less of caffeine per day).  Felt like I was gonna hurl, but pushed through it to try to work.  Around lunch, I realized that, in addition to feeling kinda nauseous, I was starting to feel some anxiety - like I was going to jump out of my skin.  Ok, I deal with anxiety and depression every day, I can do this.

And this sums up how well that worked...

After taking deep yoga breaths while we were all eating lunch, I finally jerked up my head, slammed down my hands and asked my boss if I could either go home and get meds, or go to the liquor store and get wine, cause I was losing my shit - "Because I'm off birth control!!!" Cat #1 out of the bag (Ryan and I haven't wanted to share the news that we are going to start trying, or TTC for you pregnancy/mommy bloggers out there.  Oops.)  Got permission to run home, took some Temazepam, and chased it with some a (juice) glass of Chardonnay (that I chugged).  -----> I fully know that this is really bad mental health management.

Was in between laughing hysterically and crying hysterically the whole time, got voicemail at my psychiatrist's office and Ryan was in surgery.  So, I called my mom. Cat #2 out of the bag.  Double oops.  To give her credit, she didn't get all super excited, gushy, OMG! on me (which would have made everything worse); she talked me down while I drove back to, then paced around my office.  (She tell me how excited she was when I called her back later to let her know I was ok!)

My shrink called me back, and I told him that I thought he might need to send the nice men in white coats to throw me in a van and take me away.  He laughed, said it was normal, and to take Lorazepam (or, Ativan, which I have a Rx for but don't use - gave me intense dreams/nightmares), as needed to get through the worst of the anxiety, which could last for another couple days (?!?!?!?).

Ryan also called me after seeing my increasingly crazy texts:

...Not that I'm complaining, but this would be justification for calling my mom!

 

He listened to my symptoms, was happy that I called my psych and not so happy that I called my mom ("You are just not good at keeping secrets!").  Luckily, he's always had a good handle on what I need when I'm having a meltdown, and knows that, overall, calling my mom was a good idea.

I don't really remember much about the rest of the day, just that it was mostly a blur and I went home and hid in bed.  For the next 24 hours.  Couldn't do work the next day.  Just. Couldn't.

 

 Everything has gotten much better since, though still feeling the fatigue and the new, fun side effect of sore boobs/nipples - again, thank you, mothers-to-be of the Internet, for easing my worries about my boobs falling off.

 

Apparently, hormones + ongoing mental health issues (that are usually under control) = crazy hormonal spazz. (or see first pic above)



Back to Basics

I think my body just realized it isn't on birth control anymore.  I haven't felt like this since I was 16.  Pinterest (actually some other site, but I found it on Pinterest) feels my pain:

 

 

Also, I wonder if Ryan would be interested in registering for this:

From 21 Inane Baby Products For Questionable Parents

Clearing Roadblocks

Since my last entry, I've been setting up appointments, talking to "advisers" and generally making sure that we can do this whole baby thing.  I'm basically the secretary to a CEO that doesn't exist yet!  Clearing all of these things of my list (the list of things I've worried about) has felt awesome; it's great to find solutions to things I thought were problems.  Roadblocks we've tackled so far:

• Preconception Health:  I've been taking prenatal vitamins for months now, so that was already in place.  After reading The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant, (which I LOVED!  I'll be adding a Books page on the blog to talk about the pregnancy books I've read and liked - or disliked!) I've added things like CoQ10, a calcium supplement, and I have an iron supplement on the way.  Gummy vitamins are the way to go!  Ryan and I have been trying to stay on a Primal/Paleo diet, and I did a little research to make sure it was compatible with pregnancy - looks like it'll be fine, and it will help me lose some more weight before we actually start trying!  I decided not to make an appointment with my OBGYN; Most of my vaccines are up-to-date (I know I've had a TDAP in recent years, thanks to cutting my feet twice!), and I just saw her a few months ago - everything was fine.  They gave me a preconception packet then, and I'm good with everything in it.  Cutting down my caffeine intake has been hard - switching from Redbull to coffee, and drinking less in general - but I'm working on it!
• Preconception Mental Health: Anyone who will eventually read this blog (seeing as I'm keeping it a secret at the moment!) knows I am and have been treated for depression and generalized anxiety.  Luckily, it's easily handled with Zoloft, some type of benzo, and regular talk therapy.  I met with my psychiatrist last week to tell him our eminent plans and discuss what medication I can continue or should continue and what I have to stop.  I think he thought I was going to freak out at either staying on one med or getting off another, but the research I've done lines up with what he advises, which is that staying on Zoloft is fine, but benzos have to go.  There are lots of opinions on this issue, but my doctor and I are in agreement: the health of the mother has to be balanced with the health of the fetus, so staying on the antidepressant is a good idea.  But, anything that can cause addiction has to go, so I'm trying to step down on the anxiety meds.  It's hard.  With Ryan rotating in Tampa, I don't sleep as well, and lack of sleep eventually gives me general anxiety.  We wont be trying to get pregnant until I am completely off of ristoril, so that's incentive, but I can't say that it's easy.  On the talk therapy side, my therapist has been very encouraging and helps me talk about and work through my fears around getting pregnant.  She's fantastic in general, and she has kids, so it's something she really helps me with!
• Financial Status:  I don't want to get into the whole thing on here, but short story is that Ryan and I both have accumulated some credit card debt.  We are on a strict budget now, with shared accounts, and have both been spending around $200 per month out of our personal budgeted money to pay down our cards, but like most people, we weren't getting anywhere.  Last week, we talked with my financial advisor, told him we were going to be trying to have a baby and our money situation.  He basically approved our plan to take a smallish amount of money from the portfolio he manages and get rid of our debt - and to not build it back up!  When I get my AmEx paid off, I'm cancelling it - I have the number memorized and the temptation is too great!  We are currently waiting on the check to clear, and should have that taken care of by next week, allowing us to take any extra and put it in savings.
• Support:  While we haven't wanted to tell anyone that we are about to start trying (I really don't want people immediately thinking I'm pregnant if I don't feel well, or watching my waistline obsessively), I did have to talk to someone about it who knows what I'm going through and will go through.  Luckily my very good friend Caitlin just had a darling little boy, Jackson, and is a great source of information.  Her husband is in a 5 year residency, like Ryan, so they are dealing with a similar financial situation and similar issues - like spending money to interview for fellowships and the possibility of moving in two years, then moving again.  She and I (and Jackson!) Skyped right after Ryan and I decided to go down this path, and she was really, really comforting, and continues to be.  Plus, her kid is so darn cute, he makes the case for having a baby all on his own!

BOOM! There go my ovaries.

Things we still have to tackle:

• House: The house we are living in currently has been great... for me Ryan and 2 cats.  I can't imagine having an infant in it, though; it's tiny and has a bad layout for a nursery.  So we are in the process of looking for a 3+ bedroom house, possibly on the water or with water access, with larger cabinets, a larger bathroom vanity, that will let us have cats, for less than we pay now.  Oh, and close to the hospital.  This is probably impossible.
• General fertility: I have been on birth control for a loooong time.  Since high school (at the time, it was for my skin) until last week.  I know it can take time for everything to start operating normally... but HOW LONG??? Ugh. I hate not knowing this stuff for sure, so the only measure of control I could get was purchasing a fertility monitor.  As of next month I'll already be peeing on stick to monitor my fertile days (then jumping Ryan when I have high LH levels!).

Fun, scary exciting times!!