Pressing Pause

So, I'm not pregnant after our second try.  Which is... ok.  Because when I got antibiotics for the UTI, they weighed me.

O    M    G

My exact face when I saw what the nurse wrote down.

OMGOMGOMGOMG.
I can't even write the number.  I haven't told Hubs other than crying and declaring that I'm fat (he's wonderful and swears i'm not).

My Reactions

I used to keep a weight loss blog and I can't even fathom this - or how it got this bad.  To give a hint, if I had been pregnant, I would have been at risk for gestational diabetes.  As it is, the extra weight might have been affecting my fertility.  So, while it worries me that we didn't get pregnant already, I am kind of relieved that I'm not going to be the HUGE pregnant lady.

The day of the weigh-in, Hubs and I talked and decided that we are putting the baby-making on pause for December.  That will give us time to either get ready to move or decide to stay in our current place, be able to drink during the holidays, and, most importantly, lose weight.  I'm not expecting a 50 lb drop in one month, but I would like to get rid of about 15-20 lbs before we start the process again.

In other news, here are some random things:

• Ryan now has interviews at 7 different programs - Tampa, Miami, Gainesville FL, Seattle, SLC, Minnesota and New Jersey.
• I'm about to get crazy busy coordinating my coworker's wedding - so excited!
• We may have found a new place to live in Orlando (with a pool!)
• From tracking my ovulation we're starting to think I have a lazy ovary.  I've had weird/no readings on the monitor every other month since I started tracking my ovulation.  With the plan to skip December, that would have us trying in January on "wonky ovary" month - if they go back and forth.  So who knows when this will actually happen!

We'll see where this month takes us!

Because of Zygotes

(meant to post this a week ago, oops!)

...So, I think I have a UTI.  From all the "baby making."  I don't (and won't) know if I'm pregnant, my OBGYN hasn't called me back and Dr. Hubs is hesitant to prescribe me anything "because of zygotes" (no kidding, that is a direct quote).

Well, because of zygotes, I'm freaking out about the possibilities of whether I need antibiotics.

Clearing Roadblocks

Since my last entry, I've been setting up appointments, talking to "advisers" and generally making sure that we can do this whole baby thing.  I'm basically the secretary to a CEO that doesn't exist yet!  Clearing all of these things of my list (the list of things I've worried about) has felt awesome; it's great to find solutions to things I thought were problems.  Roadblocks we've tackled so far:

• Preconception Health:  I've been taking prenatal vitamins for months now, so that was already in place.  After reading The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant, (which I LOVED!  I'll be adding a Books page on the blog to talk about the pregnancy books I've read and liked - or disliked!) I've added things like CoQ10, a calcium supplement, and I have an iron supplement on the way.  Gummy vitamins are the way to go!  Ryan and I have been trying to stay on a Primal/Paleo diet, and I did a little research to make sure it was compatible with pregnancy - looks like it'll be fine, and it will help me lose some more weight before we actually start trying!  I decided not to make an appointment with my OBGYN; Most of my vaccines are up-to-date (I know I've had a TDAP in recent years, thanks to cutting my feet twice!), and I just saw her a few months ago - everything was fine.  They gave me a preconception packet then, and I'm good with everything in it.  Cutting down my caffeine intake has been hard - switching from Redbull to coffee, and drinking less in general - but I'm working on it!
• Preconception Mental Health: Anyone who will eventually read this blog (seeing as I'm keeping it a secret at the moment!) knows I am and have been treated for depression and generalized anxiety.  Luckily, it's easily handled with Zoloft, some type of benzo, and regular talk therapy.  I met with my psychiatrist last week to tell him our eminent plans and discuss what medication I can continue or should continue and what I have to stop.  I think he thought I was going to freak out at either staying on one med or getting off another, but the research I've done lines up with what he advises, which is that staying on Zoloft is fine, but benzos have to go.  There are lots of opinions on this issue, but my doctor and I are in agreement: the health of the mother has to be balanced with the health of the fetus, so staying on the antidepressant is a good idea.  But, anything that can cause addiction has to go, so I'm trying to step down on the anxiety meds.  It's hard.  With Ryan rotating in Tampa, I don't sleep as well, and lack of sleep eventually gives me general anxiety.  We wont be trying to get pregnant until I am completely off of ristoril, so that's incentive, but I can't say that it's easy.  On the talk therapy side, my therapist has been very encouraging and helps me talk about and work through my fears around getting pregnant.  She's fantastic in general, and she has kids, so it's something she really helps me with!
• Financial Status:  I don't want to get into the whole thing on here, but short story is that Ryan and I both have accumulated some credit card debt.  We are on a strict budget now, with shared accounts, and have both been spending around $200 per month out of our personal budgeted money to pay down our cards, but like most people, we weren't getting anywhere.  Last week, we talked with my financial advisor, told him we were going to be trying to have a baby and our money situation.  He basically approved our plan to take a smallish amount of money from the portfolio he manages and get rid of our debt - and to not build it back up!  When I get my AmEx paid off, I'm cancelling it - I have the number memorized and the temptation is too great!  We are currently waiting on the check to clear, and should have that taken care of by next week, allowing us to take any extra and put it in savings.
• Support:  While we haven't wanted to tell anyone that we are about to start trying (I really don't want people immediately thinking I'm pregnant if I don't feel well, or watching my waistline obsessively), I did have to talk to someone about it who knows what I'm going through and will go through.  Luckily my very good friend Caitlin just had a darling little boy, Jackson, and is a great source of information.  Her husband is in a 5 year residency, like Ryan, so they are dealing with a similar financial situation and similar issues - like spending money to interview for fellowships and the possibility of moving in two years, then moving again.  She and I (and Jackson!) Skyped right after Ryan and I decided to go down this path, and she was really, really comforting, and continues to be.  Plus, her kid is so darn cute, he makes the case for having a baby all on his own!

BOOM! There go my ovaries.

Things we still have to tackle:

• House: The house we are living in currently has been great... for me Ryan and 2 cats.  I can't imagine having an infant in it, though; it's tiny and has a bad layout for a nursery.  So we are in the process of looking for a 3+ bedroom house, possibly on the water or with water access, with larger cabinets, a larger bathroom vanity, that will let us have cats, for less than we pay now.  Oh, and close to the hospital.  This is probably impossible.
• General fertility: I have been on birth control for a loooong time.  Since high school (at the time, it was for my skin) until last week.  I know it can take time for everything to start operating normally... but HOW LONG??? Ugh. I hate not knowing this stuff for sure, so the only measure of control I could get was purchasing a fertility monitor.  As of next month I'll already be peeing on stick to monitor my fertile days (then jumping Ryan when I have high LH levels!).

Fun, scary exciting times!!